I have a need for social interaction. Talk to friend for ten minutes, need is fulfilled. I also have two buds from the first need: talking about hobbies1, and hearing people talk about hobbies. I get the latter through the internet. I don't get the former.
Not taking an action because it might result in something bad is not a healthy thought process. But sometimes it's right. If I stick my hand on a hot stove it will burn, and if I fail too many social rolls they'll desamicalize me.
But stoves are clearly defined, and friends are not. I don't know what will get me desamicalized or why. I don't know why people get mad at me. So I guess, and create my own social rules with varying accuracy.
One of these rules is that I can't talk about a topic at length without asking first2. And the regular, non-helpful version of this says that I can't randomly dm people nor ask them. (Which is something that I will be working on.) My theme is year of illumination--which I can get into in another post--but currently I'm focused on ripping out all the inimical thoughts. (if I get rid of them myself, then a future therapist can't focus on them instead of the problems I want to talk about.)
Anyway, what I'm saying is that I can avoid talking to people by talking here. This isn't an avoidance of talking to people; I'm still going to do that. What I'm going to do here is two things.
One, I'm going to get used to context collapse and stop avoiding the beast. I don't know what's going to get me yelled at or desamicalized, and that's fine. Not only because internet has no consequences, but because I need this mental habit to go away.
Context collapse is not in the normal sense of the term. It's in the sense that I need context to who I am talking to to decide which opinions are safe to share and how to word what I say. The part of the brain that does that is somewhat separated from me, and I would like it to die. I don't want it to tell me what the socially acceptable thing to say is. It's often completely nonsensical or straight up not what I believe. I'd rather react slower to conversation than continue listening to it.
Two, I'm going to share with many people. If I share with one person, only one person knows, and the context of friendship means I shaped it to them. Not like above, but in which words I decided to skip because they wouldn't know what they mean, which I decided to explain, etc. While it would be great to just say what I mean, people would never understand what I'm saying. Which is a great way to get desamicalized. I do still want to keep my friends, I'm just refining my sense of what will cause me to be desamicalized.
For everyone reading: do not take this as me being more honest just because I am talking about brain stuff. This happens to be the topic I'm focused on right now, and in a few weeks I'll be back to posting long rants about Worm.
Onto how this blog will run.
1. No release times. Things go up on a Friday if they go up at all, but it will not be every Friday. Or even most Fridays. They go up on Fridays so I can't force myself to overwork all weekend to get them up. If I have a backlog, essays go up before fiction because they're more likely to have an expiry date. (in that I will no longer believe what i wrote and end up scrapping them.)
2. No topic promises. I'll try and sort everything into content maps when I get bored, (I use 'content maps' instead of 'maps of content' because it's fewer words and sounds nicer.) but other than that you're on your own.
3. No fulfilling promises. If I say the next post is on Worm, and it ends up being a bee movie fanfic, too bad!
4. Hate comments encouraged. I don't have comments enabled right now though, so make your own blog to post on about how much mine sucks.
That's all for now.
Footnotes (prepare yourself because I like to make a lot of footnotes)
1 - 'hobbies' is used here for lack of a better term. A hobby is something one does, while this refers to topics of interest which I contemplate about. The time and level of interest are similar to an actual hobby, which is why I used the word.
2 - this is better translated as 'don't talk about anything you like unless someone else brings it up'. If you know me IRL, you know I'm not very good at following this. It's also not useful because once I've talked about it, brain assumes that it is fine to talk about it.